Tears and Cookies

Bjorn read yesterday's blog entry, and when I asked him if he thought it was an accurate account of the last few days, he hesitated. Well, he said, you're sort of leaving out some of the, um, low points. Ahh, yes. The low points!

I have cried every day this week. I cried Monday morning when I said goodbye to Bjorn. Not a big, heaving, let it all out, kind of cry, just a few minutes of boo hooing. It was to be expected. I knew it would happen before it happened. I collected myself - I had to - and moved on to the school for an enlightening day of medical testing and safety lectures. That evening, I went to go see an apartment (the expensive one I told you yesterday I had taken) and got completely lost coming home. Warsaw, as it turns out, is nothing like New York City. The streets do not have numbers for names, and if you don't have a map, forget it. I returned to the hotel exhausted, angry, and starving, so I went across the street to the MarcPol supermarket and bought a package of cookies and a large beer for dinner.

Tuesday. I had a short meeting at school with all teachers present. It was totally disorganized, and the teachers were unbelievably rudely talking over Ms. Mira during the whole meeting. Pieces of information were just getting thrown out at random. This is how we do this, this is how we do that. But are we going to put this all in writing for you? No. After the meeting, my new friend, Monica, (Polish and has just come from living in the states for six years - AND went to Nashville and loved it!) asked me if I wanted to come into the city center with her. She thought we could perhaps buy the classified newspaper, and she could help me look for an apartment, since everything is in Polish. What a nice gesture! So we did this, made many phone calls, and got nothing back. Places were already rented, or no one answered the phone. Nothing. I returned to the hotel, again around dinner time, again exhausted and frustrated and starving, but determined to have a REAL dinner. So I went to a sushi place in the neighborhood and spent too much money on sushi. It was delicious, but I felt guilty, as I really don't have any spare money these days. I was supposed to have a phone call with my father later that evening, which I had been looking forward to all day, but the Skype connection was terrible, and I could hardly hear him speaking. All I wanted was a few minutes of father comforting, and I ended up having to hang up without really saying goodbye. I cried - this time a big, fat cry - and went to bed. Oh, and, in an emotionally driven act of desperation, I agreed to take the expensive apartment through the end of December. I was supposed to be out of the hotel the following day, and I just didn't know what else to do.

Wednesday. Oh boy. This was a great day. Woke up immediately regretting my decision to take the expensive apartment. Monica and I had seen some MUCH cheaper apartments in the classifieds, and it was just really irritating to pay twice as much as I could. I showed up at school for yet another round of meetings, worse than the day before. We discussed school policies on discipline - what kinds of infractions are worthy of detention, etc. Excuse me, my friend Kathy said. Kathy is a 60ish year old British woman - and the only other non-Polish speaker at the school who is brand new. Is there a behavior policy written down somewhere? Mira scrambled, people started talking over her, and the question was never really answered. I later attended the Middle Years meeting and was totally overwhelmed with the masses of information being shoved upon me. I was expected to go ahead and make an order for the books and notebooks I wanted my stduents to have. Um, I'm sorry. You just showed me the program YESTERDAY. Do you think I am ready to order books?

Meanwhile, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had made a big mistake with my apartment. I finally went to a computer at the school and shot off an email to the owner, saying I had changed my mind and I was very sorry. (Of course, I started re-thinking THAT decision within about 10 minutes.) I left school in a huff, and went home to eat lunch sitting in my hotel room - cookies and a cup of yogurt I had stolen from the breakfast buffet that morning. I got on the phone with Bjorn and just exploded. I'm sick of eating COOKIES for meals! I am sick of not being able to buy things at the grocery store that I can refrigerate or cook! I'm sick of the school being so freaking disorganized! I'm sick of wondering where I'm going to sleep the next night! I'm sick of being stressed about money! This was the biggest cry, up to that moment. I had to get toilet paper from the bathroom. Mascara was running down my puffy, red face. Snot was pouring out of my nose.

I finally collected myself, and determined that I really needed to get back to the school and try to talk to some people. I needed perhaps to explain to Mira that I was extremely stressed out about my living situation. I needed to ask her if the school would pay for a few more nights at the hotel. I needed to find Kathy or Monica and talk to them about their apartment searching progress. But when I got back to the school, things had quieted down, and the school secretary, Anna, told me everyone had left. We chatted for a few minutes, but she started asking me questions like, Are you scared? and, Have you found a place to live? I had to bite my lip to keep from crying in front of her. I quickly left the school, put my sunglasses on, and wept, as I returned, defeated, to the Hotel Dipservice. On my way, I tried to stop at a kiosk and buy some extra credit for my cell phone, but the woman didn't speak any English, and that started another round of tears. Safe inside my hotel room, I just let it go. I cried and cried and cried.

But! The wonderfully strange thing about being human is that amidst such conditions (which I know are perhaps very petty compared to some, but they are mine), you can find a way to talk yourself out of it. You gather yourself. You try to start over. You recognize that there's nothing you can do to solve anything at 5 PM, so you might as well do something productive. So you read one of the books you're expected to teach and try to start planning for your classes. You realize that fresh air might help things, so you get out for a walk. You try again to get the extra credit for your phone and feel victorious at succeeding this time. You eat dinner at McDonald's, and though it's McDonald's, and it's gross, those french fries sure do put you in better frame of mind AND you don't have to feel guilty about spending too much money. And, when you finally return to the hotel, you find your friend Kathy sitting in the lobby, and you spend the rest of the evening talking, commiserating, and delighting in just having someone to talk to in person. Someone who can tell you it's okay that you're feeling like such a wreck.

So, yes, there have been some low points this week. And I'm still looking for an apartment. I'm still in the damned Hotel Dipservice. I'm still feeling extremely lost and overwhelmed with my job. But I'm determined to stick this out. And I'm determined to not cry today.